Get ready to learn more about Donald Trump’s sex life than you ever wanted
So the deal with Donald Trump was that he would bring his business acumen, as it was, to Washington and destroy the status quo. Jobs would be restored, crooks would be laid off, swamps would be emptied, etc. This was how it was going to be; those of us who didn’t like it could, at least, settle in and put up with it.
One thing that was definitely not part of the deal: learning the intricacies of the sex life of a wealthy man in his seventies. In other words: does Donald Trump like a little, you know—hum? What is her favorite pickup line? Are his hands always wet or do they always seem wet? Is hot wax ever involved? Is he wear headphones and listen to MGMT? I do not know. I do not want. But we could all soon.
Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to a litany of crimes including, among others, campaign finance violations related to payments made to two women during the 2016 presidential campaign on Tuesday. of Trump. Cohen admitted what has long been suspected: that these payments – to Karen McDougal, a former Playboy model, and sometimes porn actress Stormy Daniels – were to guarantee their silence on their respective affairs with Trump. Cohen says it was done “under the direction of a candidate for federal office,” namely one Donald Trump. Cohen faces a maximum of 65 years in prison. Therefore, the plea agreement.
This is bad for Trump, who is now newly linked with a campaign finance violation. This is bad for us, the American public, because, among other things, we may soon be hearing a lot about the sex life of the 45th President.
This fall, Democrats are holding a good enough luck to win enough seats to take control of the United States House of Representatives. If that happens, we’re pretty sure a Congressional investigation into Cohen’s payments: Wednesday, Representative Elijah Cummings, the top Democrat on the House Oversight Committee, required as much, although it is unlikely to continue as long as Republicans are still in power.
If this continues, we must all say a prayer while Pandora’s Box of Vaseline is open. To investigate Cohen’s payments is to investigate the McDougal and Daniels cases. Investigating affairs means risking learning about the big guy’s faults, little things and anatomy, his connections and attempted connections, and all the alternative uses of ketchup. We should be very afraid.
We already know some things, and they are bad. We know the McDougal and Daniels episodes happened during Trump’s wedding to Melania. We know that sharks were involved. We know there were enough patterns in these relationships that there were probably more than two.
“If anyone is looking for a good lawyer,” Trump tweeted wednesday, “I strongly suggest that you do not retain the services of Michael Cohen!” Here, “a good lawyer” is another way of saying “a person to pay for the proof of your affairs.” Trump is not denying that the payments took place; he just says he discovered them after the fact and that funds were not coming from campaign accounts. The first allegation is laughable at best, given that there is Cohen gang discussing McDougal payment with Trump.
I am far from suggesting that a person should not pay, before or after the fact, for the company of another consenting adult. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t know; the thought of Trump and furry handcuffs or Trump and the word “moan” or Trump and, ugh, the flesh makes me want to remove my parietal lobe. But if you think this is a man who could even order Cialis without successfully breaking the law, the evidence suggests that you are probably wrong. And so we are doomed, in the pursuit of justice, to find out so much, much about what happened in the villas and hotel rooms and the hot enclosures the president found himself in.
That is, at least, if things go in the direction of the Democrats in the coming months. You know, the party that never manages to ruin everything. So at least we’ve got that for ourselves.